This is the very first time I wanted to leave because of my friends. I see this “someone” as a threat to our circle. I’ll call him Z. The AKs and I used to hang out as one after class inside the Lace. Well, it’s all different now. And it’s all because of Z. I don’t want to mention his name because I really get furious when they do so.
Well, I tried to understand them. And it only made me feel worse. We used to go to The Frap Bar. We rarely do it now. I thought, maybe, they’re short of cash or they’re saving up for something. They often go out to drink and they don’t even want to tell me and it’s all because of Z.
"Where are you going?" I asked them once.
I really knew that they were going to drink but the very fact that they don’t wanna let me know bothers me. It makes me feel unwanted. And all this fury started to build up from that very day. A while ago, Anton, Duane, Percy and I were inside the Lace. The others were nowhere to be found. I spent time with Gyan, Tin, Marielle, Nino, Jomar, Percy, and Mav. We played The Killer Game.
I feel replaced. I really do. Franz and I have talked about how my past friends betrayed me and he said it was all about compatibility and I’m doubting right now if I’m compatible with the group because most of them love drinking and basketball and pancit and I don’t. They told me that I brought them together. Well, it looks like I really brought them together and together they will replace me with somebody who has similar likes as theirs. We don’t even get to spend quality time together. And it’s all because of Z. I’ve tried my best to adapt when it comes to drinking and pancit-eating. I watch them when they play basketball.
Yeah, I really feel angry and sad and kinda happy because they made wanting to leave easier. I wanna punch them so bad! I wanna tell them that if they don’t wanna hang out with me anymore they could say it to my face because I couldn’t take a hint. What I don’t really like is they suddenly disappear and I expect to be with them at that time and I don’t even know where they are. Like, that’s disrespectful. I don’t even know if they’d be coming back. And it’s all because of Z.
I’m actually consider having new friends who have the same interests as me; books, music, Dota 2, atheism, and many more. I want friends who would prefer coffee over alcohol and music over anything else. I wanna get my copy of Perks of Being a Wallflower from Franz. I went inside his room and I saw it on a table beside his bed but I don’t really know why I’m not convinced he’s reading it. I think he’s lying. I think he just says that to prevent me from getting my book back. There are a lot of people borrowing that book from me. And I think they deserve it more than Franz does.
I’m currently at Franz’s with a wounded pinky and it stings like hell. It was because of Hidan’s scythe. Yeah, the assfuck from Naruto. The AKs were playing basketball outside. I do not know how to play basketball. I don’t find anything special about it. What’s so special about shooting? It happens a lot between teenagers.
We finished a lot for our Chemistry project. I was surprised by the melodies we improvised. I think it’s a good song. Well, not because I wrote the lyrics and did the starting melody. But because it really is a fucking amazing song. The lyrics are written in Tagalog so I guess I couldn’t share it to all of you since not all of you could understand our language.
Our food from Jollibee just arrived and it smells fucking awesome. Percy, Franz and I rode Franz’s motorcycle on the way here and it was raining and we decided not to use the umbrella because it looks like it would be ruined by the wind. We looked like we swam. Wet look!
I just ate two french fries and I feel the need to get away from this computer because I’m starving and they’re watching and it feels weird when somebody reads what you write as you’re writing it. Oh, the Bazooka Rocks baller is sitting right in front of me and my hands are itching to steal it.
I was with the AKs a while ago at Zo’s apartment. Duane was nowhere to be found. We were supposed to record our Chemistry project so I brought my ukulele. We didn’t finish anything. That’s my standard of friendship. If you’re with your friends and you can’t finish anything, your friendship is real.
I’m currently downstairs. And this rarely happens since I’m always locked up in my room. I feel great.
I walked home. It was kinda windy. I was walking this highway and it was total darkness. The only lights came from the passing vehicles. Maybe only three passed by while I was walking. A Day To Remember’s The Downfall Of Us All was playing and I could smell the fresh cemetery grass even though no cemeteries were nearby. I don’t know why but it felt peaceful and calming.
I said peaceful and calming because there’s peaceful and alarming. The type when you see somebody hanging and they’re too peaceful and it troubles you why they did that to themselves. Then you start to realize that you have felt that before but you remember your friends and you see a beacon of hope to give life another chance.
Our nanny’s baby was crying when I arrived home. I tried to carry her but she kept on crying. I’m lying down beside the coffee table she’s crouching on. I got my ukulele and sang What a Wonderful World and she shut the hell up. She loves my voice!
I’m sorry if I haven’t written for a long time. Hell week just ended and it really feels weird to be excited for Valentine’s because I have no “someone” to spend it with. I’m just a bit excited because I get to witness people’s love and effort for their partners. I never felt being loved and I guess seeing them do that makes me hope that one day, I’m gonna be the one preparing and I hope that she’s gonna feel lucky she’s got me because I never heard people feel lucky they’ve got me. And it sucks; big time.
Nothing interesting has happened to me yet so I don’t know what to talk about. Oh! My friends and I started playing Flappy Bird and I really get furious when the stupid piece of shit dies. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought that bird was a member of Bratz because its beak is ridiculously thick and the Bratz’s lips are fucking swollen, like, maybe that’s the reason it can’t fly like a normal bird. It’s the most annoying game I’ve ever played.
Kim, two other friends, and I went to the night market last Sunday. It offers nothing more than secondhand clothes and I asked where the fitting room is and I felt stupid and sad because I asked where something nonexistent is. It’s like hoping it would exist; hoping it would appear. But it wouldn’t. But you aren’t scared of waiting because you have high hopes. And they say that the only thing stronger than fear is hope. But we forget that there is something stronger than hope. Delusion.
It’s our midterms week and I have two exams for tomorrow. I think studying is useless because the subjects are English and Algebra and I believe that being good in one or both of those can’t be taught. It’s like, if you’re good at it, then you’re good at it. If you’re bad at it, then you’re bad at it.
I feel like I haven’t told you much about my new friends and I think I haven’t shared to you what I loved about the holidays, so that’s what I’m going to do now. I hope it’s okay. But before that, I’d like you to know that it’s fucking freezing and it made me miss the holidays more because it wasn’t this cold.
The weirdest part of my vacation was when Jomar insisted to go out at 2 A-fucking-M. Our houses are just four blocks away so I waited for him beside the road. There were no rides at that time and it was eerie because the roads were empty except for a few streetlights. We walked for about half an hour. I don’t know why but I just love walking. It makes me feel like there’s no one who could stop me but myself. We reached Mineski Infinity at 4. And I really don’t know what to write anymore. I hate this feeling. It’s like wanting to talk to somebody but you don’t know what to say. I have a few friends whom I could have comfortable silences with. Just their presence, just their body heat or body fat is enough to keep me company.
There was something funny this morning. I feel bad about finding it funny because it’s kinda sad but It’s just so unexpected. Maybe it wasn’t sad for me because I don’t value my family as much as this friend of mine and I don’t even know if I could share this to you because I think I was the only one who knew. I need to pull myself together. My thoughts are crumbling down. I can’t think of anything! I badly wanna scream “fuck the world” but there are people sleeping so I should probably just go study Phonetics. Come what may.
alam niyo bang siya ang una at huling sayaw ko kasi siya first dance ko nung junior year tas last dance ko nung senior year tas king ina tignan mo kung ano na kami ngayon halos di na kami magpansinan haha kaya wag niyo masyadong dinidibdib yang first first last last dance na yan walang bilang yan pag nagkalabuan na