pakilala ka next time haha
August 4, 2014
I’m writing this again in English class. I just can’t sit still and pretend like there is nothing going on inside my head. This is all too much. Overthinking is eating me up.
I thought everything’s fine but then people around you make you feel like everything’s fine but it’s only fine when you’re not around them and then you realize that you are what’s wrong so you isolate yourself and dwell on the thought that your existence was and still is a mistake. I want to ask them why and how but our professor is too busy discussing and speaking in front and the room is too damn cold not only because of the ACs but because of the people too.
I’m being the most paranoid person right now. I’m starting to think this has something to do with me being histrionic or that’s just what the only male guidance counselor said. Why am I even saying this? Nobody cares anyway. Hahaha! Bye.
I wrote the letter above at 3 pm on the 4th of August. It’s August 10 today and I’m preparing to go outside and I think this is the worst kind of leaving. You’re just preparing and you know that you’re going outside but you just have no idea where to go and what to do. Like all you really wanna do is to just actually leave.
I’m sitting in our classroom without my earphones and it fucking sucks. It’s kinda heavy not to have a way to cope up with everything around me. Music has always been there for me when my friends change and leave. And I feel music has been distant. I know that it’s just there but the connection went missing. Yes. That’s how I feel - disconnected.
I’m writing this part eighteen minutes after Theology class because the bell rang and we needed to get out of the classroom. This is the worst kind of loneliness. You could see the people around and they’re literally one table away but I just can’t talk to them. They make me feel like there’s a barrier. I can’t believe how sad I am. Maybe this just shows how attached I am.
I lost all my outlets and it kinda feels good to write but the pain and anger is still in here that I could hear them talking and I just wanna scream “shut the fuck up” and just walk away because I’m too tired to deal with anything else. I wish I could go away for a while. I need to chill out and stop being over-sensitive. People keep on saying things will be alright but I know that’s just their way of fooling themselves into not committing suicide. They believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. And I don’t fucking know why everybody needs to follow the light when they can just learn to live in the dark and adapt to their new environment and just accept the fact that some things will remain the same the way they are today.
I have made plans for myself this Saturday and I’m not really sure if I’m gonna enjoy it if I do it alone. If it rains at night, a cup of hot coffee and roasted marshmallows would be perfect while watching movies. If it doesn’t, then I’ll go for iced chocolate and ice cream while watching Adventure Time or SpongeBob.
I know doing this alone may seem sad but trust me, I learned to be happy alone. Or that’s what I just made myself believe in. Paramore’s Ain’t It Fun has helped me a lot going through all this negativity. It’s like nobody wants me around them. Wait. No. It’s like nobody that matters wants me around. And I fucking hate the feeling of being unwanted.
I really wish there was someone who could do my plans with me. I’m not looking for anything romantic. I actually don’t care about romance. I just care about friendship. And I wish I had a best friend who has me as their best friend too. My mind is a little foggy right now. I’m having a lot of trust issues. I’m having a lot of used tissues. Oh, that sounded weird.
I think one of the best feelings I have experienced this week was walking in the dark and getting yourself a free bath from the rain. People were looking at me like it’s their first time to see someone walk under the rain. Water always gave me the feeling of home. And I’m starting to suspect that I am Poseidon’s son.
My earphones gave up on me. I use them when I really feel like there’s nobody there. Listening to music has been very helpful and I don’t know how to help myself without them. It sucks that something so precious had to go so soon. The left part started malfunctioning all of a sudden. Only the right part played music. And I was in a bad mood before it all happened because we lost a match.
I know it was all my fault because I was careless. But I swear it was the only fucking time I made a mistake. I felt like they were pointing out the only wrong thing I did over all of the right ones I have done. I felt very shitty and under appreciated. This is the 4th day that I’ve been carrying this. I thought I could find some other outlet. I have tried scratching myself so hard but it doesn’t scale to what cuts can do. The guilt is really eating me up but I think it’s unfair for me to accept all the blame. I usually play Dota 2 to have fun. And I think others are making it too much of an escape outlet that they forget to have fun and just have the desire to win.
I destroyed my earphones minutes before our Discrete Mathematics class. I just felt the need to destroy something to ease what was bothering me. I pulled the functional part out and used it as a bookmark and I threw the rest in the trash. It felt good for a while but I swear I started to regret my decision as soon as it rained.
I can really feel the college pressure right now. There are a lot of requirements and I don’t find it useful or practical. It’s very stupid. Some of our professors have this be-pressured-I’m-a-god complex. I’m not even sure if I used “complex” in the correct sense but I’m too fucked up to care.
A lot has changed about the AKs the past month. Cenon, Duane, Franz, Kim and I have been hanging out a lot lately. We call ourselves Ninja Turtles. Kim is the rat because he’s a slut. Oh, that rhymed. Cool!
We actually went restaurant hopping last June 20. I don’t know what happened. It was like something just clicked into place. I was with Cenon, Franz, Kim, Rai (Kim’s girlfriend), and Jomar. We ate at The Breakfast Project first. I had a blueberry-base waffle topped with blueberries and whipped cream. Jomar had a banana shake. Cenon had choco and the rest had milk shake. After that, Rai went home. We walked to Ann’s Resto and ate calamari, onion rings, fries and chicken strips. I’m not sure about the chicken strips though. I think it’s fish. After that, we walked (again) to The Frap Bar. I don’t what they had. I received a text from the acting editor-in-chief of our school’s student publication stating that there will be a meeting at 7:30. I was annoyed because we were spending quality time. I ordered a dark chocolate green tea and they volunteered to accompany me to the meeting. Meh, that was boring. Fuck college. I’m starting to miss the night life.