I am again breaking a promise by writing this because I have promised myself that the next letter I will write would be a happy one. Please don’t feel bad reading this because I don’t want anyone to feel bad because of me. My mind is really foggy right now. So I hope you understand why I’m doing this.
I just feel so shitty that I’m still here. I really need to have a break and relax for a while. I have been stressing myself with my friends by not asking what’s wrong because obviously I haven’t been reconnected with them. I have thought of going to the cemetery a while ago and be alone for a while but then I realized that I have spent a lot of time being lonely and that it wouldn’t be healthy to often isolate myself.
I have learned to be less expressive when it comes to my emotions because in the real world, you do not get paid for feeling; you get paid for working. I don’t even know why I said that. I am really fucked up right now.
Uy, salamat! Pakilala ka next time :D
I’m siting inside Northware. This is where the AKs and I used to play Dota 2 together. I always skip breakfast, so, I’m fucking starving right now. They are seated and playing Dota 2. I didn’t get to join because they invited three others who happen to be newbies and I’ve always hated the feeling of fighting for a spot when in fact it should be mine. It may sound selfish and maybe I am selfish but I find it kinda logical.
I can’t even ask anybody to eat outside like we used to. I tried to understand their financial status. I thought they had no money to do the things we used to do. But guess what? They’ve got money for fucking Dota 2!
I’m getting frustrated with them and with myself because I could just get out of here and invite Kenn or Jav or Ferdie but I still choose to be with them even though I’m starting to look like a parent sitting in the waiting room as he waits for his child’s operation to be finished; only to know that it was unsuccessful and his child is dead in the same way that this friendship is a failure and it’s gonna die someday. Like, seriously, I know it’s going to die and I just don’t know when and it’s kinda funny that it is very similar to the oblivion we all fear because we do not know when, but it’s definitely coming.
pakilala ka next time haha
August 4, 2014
I’m writing this again in English class. I just can’t sit still and pretend like there is nothing going on inside my head. This is all too much. Overthinking is eating me up.
I thought everything’s fine but then people around you make you feel like everything’s fine but it’s only fine when you’re not around them and then you realize that you are what’s wrong so you isolate yourself and dwell on the thought that your existence was and still is a mistake. I want to ask them why and how but our professor is too busy discussing and speaking in front and the room is too damn cold not only because of the ACs but because of the people too.
I’m being the most paranoid person right now. I’m starting to think this has something to do with me being histrionic or that’s just what the only male guidance counselor said. Why am I even saying this? Nobody cares anyway. Hahaha! Bye.
I wrote the letter above at 3 pm on the 4th of August. It’s August 10 today and I’m preparing to go outside and I think this is the worst kind of leaving. You’re just preparing and you know that you’re going outside but you just have no idea where to go and what to do. Like all you really wanna do is to just actually leave.
I’m sitting in our classroom without my earphones and it fucking sucks. It’s kinda heavy not to have a way to cope up with everything around me. Music has always been there for me when my friends change and leave. And I feel music has been distant. I know that it’s just there but the connection went missing. Yes. That’s how I feel - disconnected.
I’m writing this part eighteen minutes after Theology class because the bell rang and we needed to get out of the classroom. This is the worst kind of loneliness. You could see the people around and they’re literally one table away but I just can’t talk to them. They make me feel like there’s a barrier. I can’t believe how sad I am. Maybe this just shows how attached I am.
I lost all my outlets and it kinda feels good to write but the pain and anger is still in here that I could hear them talking and I just wanna scream “shut the fuck up” and just walk away because I’m too tired to deal with anything else. I wish I could go away for a while. I need to chill out and stop being over-sensitive. People keep on saying things will be alright but I know that’s just their way of fooling themselves into not committing suicide. They believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. And I don’t fucking know why everybody needs to follow the light when they can just learn to live in the dark and adapt to their new environment and just accept the fact that some things will remain the same the way they are today.
I have made plans for myself this Saturday and I’m not really sure if I’m gonna enjoy it if I do it alone. If it rains at night, a cup of hot coffee and roasted marshmallows would be perfect while watching movies. If it doesn’t, then I’ll go for iced chocolate and ice cream while watching Adventure Time or SpongeBob.
I know doing this alone may seem sad but trust me, I learned to be happy alone. Or that’s what I just made myself believe in. Paramore’s Ain’t It Fun has helped me a lot going through all this negativity. It’s like nobody wants me around them. Wait. No. It’s like nobody that matters wants me around. And I fucking hate the feeling of being unwanted.
I really wish there was someone who could do my plans with me. I’m not looking for anything romantic. I actually don’t care about romance. I just care about friendship. And I wish I had a best friend who has me as their best friend too. My mind is a little foggy right now. I’m having a lot of trust issues. I’m having a lot of used tissues. Oh, that sounded weird.
I think one of the best feelings I have experienced this week was walking in the dark and getting yourself a free bath from the rain. People were looking at me like it’s their first time to see someone walk under the rain. Water always gave me the feeling of home. And I’m starting to suspect that I am Poseidon’s son.
My earphones gave up on me. I use them when I really feel like there’s nobody there. Listening to music has been very helpful and I don’t know how to help myself without them. It sucks that something so precious had to go so soon. The left part started malfunctioning all of a sudden. Only the right part played music. And I was in a bad mood before it all happened because we lost a match.
I know it was all my fault because I was careless. But I swear it was the only fucking time I made a mistake. I felt like they were pointing out the only wrong thing I did over all of the right ones I have done. I felt very shitty and under appreciated. This is the 4th day that I’ve been carrying this. I thought I could find some other outlet. I have tried scratching myself so hard but it doesn’t scale to what cuts can do. The guilt is really eating me up but I think it’s unfair for me to accept all the blame. I usually play Dota 2 to have fun. And I think others are making it too much of an escape outlet that they forget to have fun and just have the desire to win.
I destroyed my earphones minutes before our Discrete Mathematics class. I just felt the need to destroy something to ease what was bothering me. I pulled the functional part out and used it as a bookmark and I threw the rest in the trash. It felt good for a while but I swear I started to regret my decision as soon as it rained.