I have made plans for myself this Saturday and I’m not really sure if I’m gonna enjoy it if I do it alone. If it rains at night, a cup of hot coffee and roasted marshmallows would be perfect while watching movies. If it doesn’t, then I’ll go for iced chocolate and ice cream while watching Adventure Time or SpongeBob.
I know doing this alone may seem sad but trust me, I learned to be happy alone. Or that’s what I just made myself believe in. Paramore’s Ain’t It Fun has helped me a lot going through all this negativity. It’s like nobody wants me around them. Wait. No. It’s like nobody that matters wants me around. And I fucking hate the feeling of being unwanted.
I really wish there was someone who could do my plans with me. I’m not looking for anything romantic. I actually don’t care about romance. I just care about friendship. And I wish I had a best friend who has me as their best friend too. My mind is a little foggy right now. I’m having a lot of trust issues. I’m having a lot of used tissues. Oh, that sounded weird.
I think one of the best feelings I have experienced this week was walking in the dark and getting yourself a free bath from the rain. People were looking at me like it’s their first time to see someone walk under the rain. Water always gave me the feeling of home. And I’m starting to suspect that I am Poseidon’s son.
My earphones gave up on me. I use them when I really feel like there’s nobody there. Listening to music has been very helpful and I don’t know how to help myself without them. It sucks that something so precious had to go so soon. The left part started malfunctioning all of a sudden. Only the right part played music. And I was in a bad mood before it all happened because we lost a match.
I know it was all my fault because I was careless. But I swear it was the only fucking time I made a mistake. I felt like they were pointing out the only wrong thing I did over all of the right ones I have done. I felt very shitty and under appreciated. This is the 4th day that I’ve been carrying this. I thought I could find some other outlet. I have tried scratching myself so hard but it doesn’t scale to what cuts can do. The guilt is really eating me up but I think it’s unfair for me to accept all the blame. I usually play Dota 2 to have fun. And I think others are making it too much of an escape outlet that they forget to have fun and just have the desire to win.
I destroyed my earphones minutes before our Discrete Mathematics class. I just felt the need to destroy something to ease what was bothering me. I pulled the functional part out and used it as a bookmark and I threw the rest in the trash. It felt good for a while but I swear I started to regret my decision as soon as it rained.
I can really feel the college pressure right now. There are a lot of requirements and I don’t find it useful or practical. It’s very stupid. Some of our professors have this be-pressured-I’m-a-god complex. I’m not even sure if I used “complex” in the correct sense but I’m too fucked up to care.
A lot has changed about the AKs the past month. Cenon, Duane, Franz, Kim and I have been hanging out a lot lately. We call ourselves Ninja Turtles. Kim is the rat because he’s a slut. Oh, that rhymed. Cool!
We actually went restaurant hopping last June 20. I don’t know what happened. It was like something just clicked into place. I was with Cenon, Franz, Kim, Rai (Kim’s girlfriend), and Jomar. We ate at The Breakfast Project first. I had a blueberry-base waffle topped with blueberries and whipped cream. Jomar had a banana shake. Cenon had choco and the rest had milk shake. After that, Rai went home. We walked to Ann’s Resto and ate calamari, onion rings, fries and chicken strips. I’m not sure about the chicken strips though. I think it’s fish. After that, we walked (again) to The Frap Bar. I don’t what they had. I received a text from the acting editor-in-chief of our school’s student publication stating that there will be a meeting at 7:30. I was annoyed because we were spending quality time. I ordered a dark chocolate green tea and they volunteered to accompany me to the meeting. Meh, that was boring. Fuck college. I’m starting to miss the night life.
I can’t believe what I have done to myself. I’ve frequented bars the past few days and I know that this is not me. Well, I’ve only drunk on three nights. I drank four seasons at the other times. I kinda regret that I just started doing this two weeks before the semester starts and I have certainly enjoyed every second I’ve spent.
Some members of the AKs have been very distant and I got tired of catching up with people who distance themselves away. I found other people to hang out with and I find nothing wrong with that. They taught me the art of beer pong. The sound of the ball landing in one of the cups has been the soundtrack of my summer. That very satisfying “plop” became music to my ears. I used to despise people like them not knowing that I’ll be one too, one day. I’m sorry for my judgments. My bad.
I’ve met some people who smoke weed and they’ve become my friends. They’re not bad people at all. In fact, I think they’re like me. I think they’re troubled and it’s their means of escape. I’m not gonna tell you their names because I want you to meet some of my friends who brought the most impact to my vacation.
Jav, Kenn, JM, Herschelle and I spent the night at Jav’s. I have spent a lot of time with the first three these past two weeks. They made my summer worth remembering. We intended to swim but Jav’s mother got mad at her so we watched movies instead. There are four days of vacation left and If I were asked how I spent my summer, I would definitely answer “by living.” And I won’t mean that in a funny manner because there is a huge difference between living and just existing.
Wednesday night last week, The AKs and I were discussing our get-together which happened on Friday, via Facebook group chat. It just happens that my mood swings at around 11 PM. And unfortunately, I was ignited to fucking explode into the observable universe. I was asking if we would go to Levitate and Cenon replied “There is no ‘we.’” I know he meant it jokingly but considering my mood at that time, I was offended. Franz added insult to the injury. “There is no ‘we,’ just you. You and Ferdie and Sherwin and Jomar and Benard.”
And maybe I overreacted because I got so mad and hurt. “Why are you giving me away? I’m trying to catch up with you guys even if you would pick Z over me. You wanna talk? I have lots of bullets.” It’s kinda hard to write this down so I’ll just do the typical chat format.
Cenon: “We aren’t giving you away. You voluntarily hang out with them.”
Franz: “Shots fired.”
They are still unaware I was hurt. And fucking pissed. I took a deep breath before typing.
Me: “I hang out with them because all of you are senseless! We were destroyed since Z started hanging out with us! You wanna talk? Real talk? I hang out with them because they’re just happy. They just don’t care. They don’t need anything to be happy; just the Grandstand and cemetery. That’s all. And with you, guys? I still need to force myself to be with people I cannot tolerate! I’m trying to return to our circle and all you do is reject me like that?! I don’t know anymore. I know you were happy when I cancelled my plan to transfer to UP Los Banos. I was kinda happy that you were happy and I regret that. You made me remember why I wanted to leave. Okay. Bye.”
After I typed those, I left our group conversation and I started to ignore all the Facebook notification sounds. I may come across as shallow but I was really hurt. They used to tell that joke to me. I laughed. But there just comes a time where it just gets tiring. My outrage must have caused them to all wake up because everybody was calling, texting, and chatting. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I was ignoring Franz’s calls. I was ignoring Percy’s chat. I was ignoring Gyan’s text. I was ignoring everything. I tried to calm myself down. And I started reading their messages. Percy was trying to pacify me via Steam chat.
And I was fucking annoyed when Franz texted “Come down.” I didn’t. After some minutes, the motherfucker texted again. “Come down. We’ll go somewhere.” The first thing I did was tell Percy “Fuck. Franz is here.” What the fuck? Everybody is asleep and you piss me off on the internet and you show up at our house? Who does that? Who the fuck in his right mind would do that? My hands were clenched and shaking and my jaws were sliding past each other but my mom was sleeping downstairs. It was 12 minutes to midnight. Cenon probably saw my retweet about suicide.
Mom: “Where are you going?”
Me: “My classmate is here. We’ll eat.”
That was probably the most stupid reason I could think of. But I was just so agitated at that time because I had to act like nothing was wrong and I just didn’t care. I got my hoodie and stormed out of the house.
It was midnight. I had no idea where we were going. I asked Franz. “Somewhere.” If we weren’t riding a motorcycle, I would’ve slammed his head. I swear. I fucking swear. When I started to get the hang of the path, I guessed, well maybe, Jollibee. But it turned out I was wrong. He brought me to the cemetery. I think I must’ve told them stories about Ferdie, Jomar, Benard and I chilling at the cemetery. And suddenly, my anger was expelled through a little genuine laugh. Franz drove to this public cemetery. I must have forgotten to mention that the cemetery Ferdie, Jomar, Benard and I go to is the private sanctuary beside where we were at that time. He parked. We got out. We walked and I still have not the slightest idea where we were headed.
We reached his grandmother’s grave. I don’t know if this is common to all cultures but we, Filipinos, introduce our companions to our dead relatives at the cemetery. I said “Hi,” like she was standing there. We left after some time and he gave me Hidan’s scythe. He apologized for what happened earlier. Cenon wanted that scythe and we fought about it at Franz’s house and that was how I got my pinky wounded.
There was a burning drugstore-slash-convenience-store and we decided to go watch it. We were two blocks away when the thick smoke started to cover the area. I find the smoke’s smell calming. Nobody burned to death though. We strolled around the city because we had nowhere to go. I remembered my high school hangout so we went there and sat. I was okay by then. We talked about lots of things but what I remembered the most was this stupid, arrogant, fat, vocally cursed dickhead using “suicide” as a verb. He was like “I’ll fucking suicide.” I know suicide isn’t funny. And I know “suicide” as a noun. We laughed like insensitive assholes. But I swear we weren’t laughing about suicide per se. He told me something and I just realized why we were so tight. It’s because both of us had thought of killing ourselves. And I’m pretty much some, or possibly all, in our group have thought of it too.