Holy Week just ended and I barely made it through. I didn’t participate in any religious activities so I guess that explains it. Jomar went out of town so it was just Ferdie and I who frequented Mineski during those days. Benard does not play Dota 2 but he owns an internet cafe.
We stayed at Jomar’s again last Tuesday night. We were with a high school classmate of theirs. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were all in the same routine: Dota 2 then Grandstand after. The only thing we do (Yes, until now.) at the Grandstand is watch people jog, kick, bike or skate. We played Frisbee twice with their high school classmates but I don’t remember when it was. I’ve met their whole circle.
I get jealous when I see people’s summer vacation pictures on Facebook. But I look at them anyway. Their families are having fun out of town and I’m having fun inside the cemetery. My feet are craving for the touch of beach sand and waves and all I could let them experience is the dampness of green cemetery grass. This wouldn’t have been fun without them. Uhm, I meant Jomar, Ferdie and Benard; not the people below. I just want you to know that I’m having fun despite the lack of sand and sunlight. I’ve got friends and they’re enough.
Counting Star(s) cover
di kasi rinig yung letter ssssssssssss sa audio -_- HAHAHA
Hello. It’s been a while since I’ve uploaded a cover. HAHAHAH ok sorry for the poor mastering iajdiasajisd
I’m at the cemetery and it feels so peaceful. It kinda makes me feel jealous that all of them are resting and I’m here battling my demons. They’re kinda winning right now. We visited Geena first.
I’m with Jomar, Ferdie and Benard. Benard and Ferdie are talking to an old lady at our side. Her husband died two weeks ago, I guess. She says she goes here everyday. I could feel the love in her gloom. It just saddens me to see her smile. It saddens me that someone so fragile-looking could be so strong. I wish I had her strength. It’s usually cute when you see old people display their affection. But in this situation, only this old lady displays it and it hurts like hell. I wanna hug her but it I think it would be weird to hug your friends’ Chemistry professor.
I’m currently looking at the people around me. They are all smiling. I don’t know how they do that. There are kids running around; all so innocent. I wonder if they know about the inevitable truth of mortality. Oh, it’s starting to get dark. I mean, the sun is starting to set.
My life is a blur. Jomar just took my glasses. It’s funny to see them so alive and realize they’ll be the people six feet under when their time comes. Let me get back to you on this old lady. I was staring at her a while ago while scribbling. I think she does what she does to fill that emptiness inside. She fills the gap by feeling her husband’s emotional presence. I think she could still feel the connection between him and her even if the other one is on the other side. I also analyzed her face. I could see longing and acceptance. I lack the latter. But I know, the moment I saw her sad face, I started to believe in forever.
P.S. I wrote the letter above 2 days ago. I forgot to send it because I ran away from home that night. I can’t really talk about it today. Maybe in my next letters.
"ay wala akong kilalang ganon sorry"
I’ve started to always wake up at 1 in the afternoon and I always feel like I’ve wasted half of the day. I got home two hours earlier and I’m currently watching SpongeBob on Nickelodeon. Wait. This is all too shallow. Okay. Okay.
I need to be vulnerable again. I need to channel this hidden pain. I think my mind started to build its walls again. I feel something heavy in my chest and I just can’t get it out. I wanna say something but I don’t know what to say. Is this a defense mechanism? Help me. Tell me. I need to know.
Fuck it! Fuck this! Fuck everything! Aaarghhh! Wait. Let me calm down. Okay. Okay.
This is the most unproductive summer ever. This time last year, I was reading books in my bed. And now, all I do is appreciate the beauty of death; so peaceful, so calming, so relaxing, so convincing. My friends keep me alive. But the moment I feel alone, I just wanna slash my wrist and let it flow. No, not the blood — my life. I wanna let my life rage away from my body. What’s the sense of living when you have nothing to look forward to? It’s like living in the dark void of the cosmos. All those bright stars are too far to reach out. And you’ll be there being a blank space. All the heavenly bodies are too massive. And you look at them and their hugeness makes you feel like the tiniest living thing. And you try to console yourself by believing that you’re a part of something bigger but so is everybody else and then it hits you. The damned piercing reality hits you. You do not matter.